Before the girl learned the truth about herself, she was innocent. Her innocence gave her a special freedom that can only be known by the very young. It was a freedom from judgement and worry. All she had known before was that she was loved and treasured. Her grandparents doted on her, neighbors gave her treats, and strangers told her she was pretty. She was a good girl and the world was good.
After she knew, the girl began to change. She had always been reserved with new people, but now she was painfully shy with worry that she would disappoint. The girl became more observant, always watching for signs of other’s displeasure. Now she was no longer free. The pain of being unwanted and abandoned permeated everything and tainted the simplest joys of childhood. Every new person was a new judge. Every new challenge was the chance to justify or fail to justify her very existence.
Mama had explained that the grandparents she adored hadn’t wanted her. But the girl knew that they loved her now, so she understood that she had won them by being good and being pretty. At school, her teachers told her that she was smart, and so school was a safe place - until recess. When the children were in charge, she knew she couldn’t win. She knew that they had two parents and she did not. The other children were still free, and she was an outsider in more ways than one. She understood this deeply and was compelled to protect herself from showing the slightest bit of weakness.
Above and below everything, she was afraid. Afraid of disappointing Mama – she saw how she looked at her sometimes. A look of disapproval not bound to anything she had done, but elicited by something the girl would say or the expression the girl wore on her face. Disapproval of her very self, which she could not control like she could her behavior. Afraid that someone else would leave, would decide she wasn’t worth staying for. Afraid of how she was different, afraid of never being accepted or understood or wanted. Afraid of never being good enough for anyone.
The fear was not something she understood. It was a part of her and it drove her, but she didn’t see or understand it.
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June 1, 2011 at 8:20 pm
The Mother
I’m an introvert. Never really saw it as a disability. Mostly I knew that when life went sour, I had something everyone else didn’t–self reliance.
June 4, 2011 at 11:58 pm
blogmefast
It seems to me that so many people can relate to this post. It is so well written….
June 17, 2011 at 9:32 am
Sol Goode
Yes this and all post are very well written are you a professional writers? if not you shouild be!